IN last years Men's envy increasingly arises due to the fact that women compete with men on an equal basis. At the same time, men and women try to do everything to save the family, despite the fact that in the family, for the most part, the lady becomes the leader and breadwinner. If you feel that your spouse has begun to envy you, take immediate action.
The husband is jealous of his wife's success at work, and this pushes him to look for his own ways to achieve career growth. There is nothing wrong. Your husband is improving with you and trying to compete. A man is a born competitor, but when envy does not develop into a desire to become higher in status and richer than his wife, the alarm should be sounded. A weak-willed man will throw tantrums, start drinking and disappear on weekends. Some young people have an affair on the side. Your actions must be decisive. Watch what you say around your family. Even small, in your opinion, little things can hurt your spouse. Try not to stay late at work and spend more time with your family. Don't tell your husband about your achievements. If your salary is several times higher than your husband's, hide this fact. Give some of the money to your mother for safekeeping.
There are also men who envy their wife’s appearance. You look attractive and presentable, but compared to you, your husband looks like a loser. Some young men like it when their wife attracts attention, but most men feel like monsters next to beauties. They are sure that the moment will come when a woman will understand how good she is and will find a man to match her. This type of envy always leads to jealousy. Sometimes a man, in order not to feel like an insignificance, begins to flirt with ladies in the presence of his wife. Try to prove your love to your spouse. Showcase your relationship in public, not just at home. On the street, hold his hand and hug him. If you are attending a party together, try to stay behind your husband when socializing with friends. Pamper your man with gifts, give him trips for two to a holiday home and invite him to restaurants.
When a man is jealous of a woman...
Horrible, isn't it? It even sounds ridiculous. To what extent should a man feel insignificant in order to recognize female superiority... Of course, I don’t mean such obvious things as beauty :))) I mean personal self-realization, success, inner strength.
Envy is essentially a feminine quality.
Women's envy, men's envy
More precisely, it is inherent in the fair sex, who are weak by nature. Women always envy if they are even a little bit of it! And most often - to each other. Even I would say this is natural. Naturally for those women who do not strive for internal improvement. The rest are trying to cope with it, because envy is a thing that destroys us, depriving us of a better life.
Women's envy is slippery, petty, bitchy. It can be harmless, like a mosquito bite - it seems uncomfortable, but it doesn’t really do any harm. And it can be poisonous, like a snake bite.
But it is not a match for male envy, since it is a destructive and merciless thing. At least that's what it may seem at first glance.
A man envies a woman when he cannot understand the reasons for his failures that haunt him. He is tormented, angry, and may even put a spoke in his wheels, but this envy, despite its destructiveness, continues to remain funny, since it is dishonorable for a man to desire a feminine thing.
No less surprising are the cases when a husband envies his wife. It would seem - be proud of her successes, are they in your throat? No, no, where is it going? He should do better! So who's stopping you? Wife?
Most often, this envious man is a victim of lost love from his mother, who does not know how to forgive and knows nothing about love. You can sympathize with him - no matter how he tries to interfere with the successes of others, his lack of self-confidence and confidence in his karma as a loser entails continuous failures.
Bringing pain to others, and most often - giving revenge to women for the lack of this love, the unfortunate person suffers himself, becoming weaker and weaker. With each of his failures in atrocities, he becomes more and more angry, hates more and more, and pours out his anger more and more often. It’s scary that all these machinations of a man and the problem of envy lead to the fact that the representative of the stronger sex himself receives all his negativity back. After all, be that as it may, men’s envy is no match for women’s cunning or women’s ability to forgive the unfortunate and disadvantaged.
Therefore, in cases where a man envies a woman, the offended envious person is most often left with nothing. And at the same time he does not understand that the reason for his envy is his own reluctance to grow internally and increase his strength of spirit. He is too lazy to admit the need for improvement. His thirst is to blame everyone except himself for his failures. For envy is an insidious and vile feeling, behind itself it hides many subordinates, such as atheism, dislike, despair, despondency, anger, malice... and so on. No wonder there is a wonderful saying by Confucius:
“If someone wants to seriously offend you, then it’s even worse for them.”
Anastasia Bubnova, mother of 5-month-old son Danila, talks about the reasons for the envy of young mothers towards their husbands and whether it is possible to fight it.
Also N.G. Chernyshevsky in his immortal novel “What is to be done?” noted with amazing accuracy that there is not a single woman who, at least for a second, would not want to be a man. I’m sure that after this line one of the ladies will definitely be indignant, but you can lie to others, but to yourself... But that’s another story.
So I observe a picture (including myself) that this statement seems especially acute (sometimes even too) relevant after the birth of a child.
Who in the family lives well?
With the birth of a child, a woman’s life changes dramatically (I’m describing an average statistical example; mothers who have the opportunity to turn to nannies, run their own businesses and other darlings of fate are not taken into account!). Work is on pause. Hobbies (if these are not domestic hobbies) are either on pause or in fits and starts, which makes you even more sad. Meetings with friends either on holidays or only at home, where, of course, complete relaxation and reboot are impossible. Going to the cinema, going to concerts, and all this is either missing or due to a lucky coincidence. In general, the picture is clear.
There are, of course, changes in a man’s life, but clearly not to the same extent. Work, friends, hobbies, freedom of action and movement - all this remains at the usual level. The wife is waiting at home, perhaps for a short “tytyushka” with the baby. Again, we are not talking about conscientious and very loving dads; there are few of them.
Vasilisa, mother of a 3 month old son: “It really infuriates me when my husband comes home after work or from a party. It's annoying because he has a life outside. Even when he says he’s tired from work, I get mad (probably even more). Because I also get tired at my mother’s job. But I don't have an 8-hour work day. I don’t have the opportunity to close the door after leaving work and get distracted somewhere, and then catch up with a full night’s sleep. I'm mad and jealous."
Male gaze
Alexander, son 1.5 years old:“As far as I understand, it’s fun to be on maternity leave. All day at home, no deadlines, no responsibility to other people, no bosses. Our son is a cheerful, pleasant, sociable guy. He's fun to be around. The food is prepared by a slow cooker. The clothes are washed by the washing machine. The floors are cleaned by a vacuum cleaner. I don’t understand why my wife, when I come home, looking exhausted, whines that she’s tired, that she’s tired of everything. It seems to me that this is some kind of sacrifice game. I sat with my son a couple of times for 2-3 hours - nothing complicated.”
Needless to say, when talking with Alexander, I tried to show the picture of life as a whole? I countered that sitting with a child for 2-3 hours is a one-time “feat” and is not at all an indicator of the real state of affairs.
“You like to exaggerate. It also infuriates me that my wife periodically snaps at me, says that I don’t love my son and tries not to let me go somewhere. Hormones?
No, not hormones.
Consequences of envy
…Exactly. These are often the consequences of envy.
Even during pregnancy, I told my husband that I would more than likely envy him, which means I could try to selfishly, unconsciously and unscrupulously outline boundaries for him. She asked me not to be offended by me. I’m innocent, that’s my fate.
As a result, despite the fact that envy is present, I do not limit my spouse. “I let him go” everywhere and everywhere with the words: “Well, at least one of us should get high!” Because of such generosity, and at the behest of my heart, my husband also tries to let me go on “leave” to rest and reboot.
Although, I understand and know that not everyone is able to negotiate and feel each other this way.
A good friend of mine, fundamentally denying envy, nagged her husband, limited her actions, besieged her with “you should”, as a result, now she is a single mother. Of course, one should not conclude that let the husband do all the hard work, and she herself should bear this cross with monastic humility. No matter how trivial it may be, observing moderation is the most important thing.
And again I anticipate objections at the level of “Yes, I’m mad and jealous, so what, this child is ours, which means there is more responsibility. Why should I make any more concessions?!” Because a woman! Whatever you say, they are a strong half of humanity (may men forgive me, physically they are strong, no doubt about it, but in other respects...).
Zlata, mother of an 8-month-old daughter:“I believe that everything should be fair. I support the house, my husband supports us.” By the way, Zlata goes to a psychologist twice a week, due to protracted postpartum and an inescapable female desire to take everything upon herself. When I told her about envy, Zlata remained silent and thought about it.
Bottom line
Why am I all this? Moreover, sometimes you need to realize the reasons for your not always fair attitude towards your significant other, accept them and try to find a solution that will suit both. Of course, this is possible if a man comes towards you. But again, let’s not forget the legendary phrase from the film “Look for a Woman”: “With a good woman, a man can become a man.” All in our hands! There would be desire and female omnipotent (!) wisdom!
Blog runsAnastasia Bubnova
I am 46 years old, I have been living with my husband for 24 years, we have two children. My husband has no higher education and a very simple job that does not give him any growth or development, and for 50 years he himself endlessly talks about how he has achieved nothing. I successfully work in government agencies. Three years ago I became a manager, my life became rich and successful - presentations, conferences, various awards, etc. Every successful step I take causes my husband to have an attack of aggression. And then more. He began looking through my cell phones and calling back some numbers. Knowing how painfully he experiences my visits to public events, I have limited communication to a minimum, going only to places where it is simply impossible not to go. I don’t communicate with my friends, at 18:00, on weekends I’m at home, despite the fact that I need time for meetings at work and the work itself, which I love very much.
If I'm at an evening event, I ask him to pick me up so he can see who I'm with and where I am. But the last time, I did the same, asked him to come for me. But he was again in a hysterical state, rushing like crazy, eventually flew off the road and crashed the car (thank God he was not injured). Yesterday I was presented with a state award. And my husband threw me into hysterics, inventing a non-existent story that I was dating some man, and this man himself told him that “I am a very good woman.” I was shocked, and then he himself admitted that he just wanted to let me down. To my attempts to reason with him, he replies that I always make a fool and an idiot out of him. Of course, "you're the smartest." After that, I went to a psychiatrist, who told me that it was hopeless and I needed to separate. But for me, in fact, family is all I live for. What should I do?
Irina, neither you nor your husband are crazy, and therefore you both definitely have nothing to do with a psychotherapist.
You yourself understand perfectly well what hurts your spouse so much: you are successful, but he is not - this is not just envy, it is also anger, and resentment at fate, and, most importantly, the feeling of being not a man, not the head of the family , a non-breadwinner. All this is a blow to male pride. But all this is very logical and justified, and therefore there is no need to talk about mental deviations. All ridiculous stories and jealousy are a psychological defense against the awareness of one’s own inadequacy.
The main question here is “What to do?” Answer: increase your husband’s self-esteem and his importance. First, sex - show him that he is a sex giant, how good you feel with him, that he is simply super, that everything about him is big and strong (no matter how vulgar it may be, this is what strengthens men’s faith in themselves and This is where you need to start.) Secondly, constantly emphasize, and preferably publicly, the importance of your husband’s work in the house (all the nails are hammered, the curtains are hung...), share work situations with your husband in detail and ask for advice (they say, only he can be trusted). Thirdly, ask him to help you, tell him that you can’t do without his help, let him do something (get him some work). In general, think and fantasize. After all, your husband is really in critical condition now, and all these tricks will help both him and your family. And she is really strong, since you have been together for so many years.
Davedyuk Elena Pavlovna, psychologist in St. Petersburg
Good answer 3 Bad answer 2Irina, hello!
You and your husband are already quite adults with a long history of relationships. It’s difficult in such a situation to try to remake yourself, to perceive each other in a new way, to try to write your life according to a new script...
But at the same time, the question is - what do you think, when your husband is jealous of you, envies your success at work - what is his main need? What worries him about this?
That you will start earning money and begin to wonder if you need it? Or you will start communicating with many interesting people, you will develop new interests, hobbies... Will you become bored with him and will you spend less time with your family?
Perhaps behind all this behavior of your husband there is not so much a desire to assert himself in front of you, but a fear of losing you, of feeling lonely and unnecessary. And behind the desire to devalue your achievements is disappointment over missed opportunities.
Therefore - in short - How can you reduce the tension in your relationship with your husband?
Let your husband know that he is important to you
. That you value him, first of all, not so much for whether he has success, but for (fill in what is necessary here)..
Think if there is something like that Why do you definitely respect your husband?
.. and what is personally valuable to you. Maybe this is not so significant compared to the achievements of other people... but personally, you respect him for this and are grateful to him.
Next, listen to yourself and try to understand How do you feel in this relationship?
- what would you like from your husband
and what you may be missing out on.
In your case, this may be a desire for support, joy for your successes, interest in what is important to you, what you do... Say (if so) that you want your husband to share your successes with you and be proud of you... that (perhaps) he is the support in life thanks to which you were able to achieve so much.
If these words resonate with you, then you have quite a lot of chances to make your relationship more harmonious.
Sincerely,
Smirnova Irina Fedorovna, psychologist in Minsk or via Skype
Good answer 6 Bad answer 2Hello Irina!
Each spouse should have their own life, which brings them pleasure and joy. gives energy. Then there will be a healthy basis for mutual exchange within the couple. You have such a life, but your husband does not. You try to minimize your activities and contacts, but this does not add to your husband’s satisfaction with his life.
Your task is to motivate your husband to search for sources of energy in his own life. And at 50, a lot can change. A person himself is responsible for everything that happens in his life. If you don't like the job, you need to look for another one. If additional knowledge is needed. then you have to go get them. You can look for interests and hobbies that will bring you satisfaction and a sense of self-fulfillment. In any case, he needs to change something in his life. Otherwise, with his behavior he will continue to drag you down, and you will ultimately be faced with a choice - personal growth or family.
Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, consulting psychologist, St. Petersburg
Good answer 9 Bad answer 04 chosen
The activities of suffragettes and feminists bore fruit - All more women strives to get an education, make a career, and, admittedly, they achieve success. However, what if the girl managed to achieve b greater heights than her life partner? Not every man is ready to accept the fact that he has been “jumped over”. A psychologist will tell us how not to hurt his feelings Maria Pugacheva .
“Women should remember that often men are actually very fragile and vulnerable creatures, and the most painful place for them is precisely self-realization in career and social terms, - says Maria Pugacheva. - If a woman, for example, in addition to her career, can realize herself as a good housewife and keeper of the hearth, taking care of herself - like a stunning beauty, or like a magnificent mother, then a man’s main point of support in self-esteem will always be success at work.”
That's why It is important for a man that a woman appreciates and respects him precisely for this, is proud of him, considered his abilities to be special, and his results as something unattainable for herself. Thus, a man can feel like that “knight”, “hero” that every girl dreams of. When the situation in career development shifts in favor of the wife, the man’s self-esteem may fall, and therefore Behavior may also change - and of course, for the worse. Men become rude, harsh, and can offend, but in fact they do this not out of envy, but out of self-defense. “They need to show their strength and power in at least some way.”, explains Maria Pugacheva.
Rules for peaceful life
If such a situation has developed in your family, Maria Pugacheva recommends trying to follow the following rules:
It's not for nothing that you love him, right? He has many virtues and positive qualities, remind him of this. AND don't forget to thank for your support, without which, let's be honest, even if it would have worked out, it would have been much more difficult.