Fists as the main argument in education. In Krasnodar, a father intervened in a conflict on a playground. As a result, the boy about whom his son complained was injured. The beating of the child was recorded on CCTV cameras.
The footage from the street camera shows a wide stride and confident movements. He knows where he's going. And he knows why. They watch this tape over and over again. Parents of those who inherited it from their adult father. A blow, another blow. He doesn’t defend himself - he deals with his son’s offenders, each of whom is up to his waist. One ten-year-old “rival” is writhing in pain on the ground, another is holding his head.
Ratmir suffered the most. The schoolboy now has a broken lip, bruises and the understanding that you can expect anything from adults. “He would have killed me a long time ago,” says the boy.
The man now explains to investigators what made him swing his fists on the playground.
“According to preliminary data, the cause of the incident was that earlier there was a conflict between the boys, which one of them reported to an adult,” said Natalya Smyatskaya, senior assistant to the head of the Investigative Directorate of the Russian Federation for the Krasnodar Territory.
Known: This adult is 34 years old. Lives in the neighboring yard. Judging by the footage, his son, who was allegedly offended, is walking nearby. Perhaps he ran to him in tears, perhaps he was really hit hard by his peers. Psychologists say: in such cases, the first reaction of parents is natural, but it’s worth telling yourself “stop” and thinking about this...
“That the precedent itself for inflicting this kind of injury, physical infliction of influence on a child by an adult, is located in a completely different - legal, psychological, and any other - space. Parents experience aggression, natural aggression. But they must be able to cope with this aggression within themselves,” says psychologist Anton Sorin.
Petersburg. Just a month ago. A woman kicks a three-year-old child in the chest. His mother gets pepper spray in the face. She didn't just hit a little boy. The child has leukemia. She kicked out an important catheter. For what? Allegedly, he did not give up the swing to her son. The attacker will be charged under the article “Hooliganism”. Either a large fine or imprisonment for up to five years. The woman is now under house arrest. He seems to be a family man; he was not registered with a psychiatrist. Then where does all this come from?
“This is due to the fact that a person feels less and less able to control the reality that surrounds him. This is also due to the enormous speed of processes that occur in society, and not being able to follow and keep up with everything that is happening, a person does not find another way to interact with the world other than aggression,” explains psychologist Anton Sorin.
Adults seethe with anger, but children suffer. Not just physically. For example, a female brawl, again, on the playground will not add nerve cells. This is also why the parents of the boy who was beaten in Krasnodar do not comment. They don’t want to remind their son about the injury again, and now there are more than one hour ahead at the police station.
Yana Grivkovskaya, writer, journalist
A close friend of mine has been married for over ten years, and she and her husband are raising a teenage son. Her husband is a former military man, a serious businessman and has a rather stern disposition, and her son is now going through the usual period of teenage rebellion. My friend has a rather gentle character and, without noticing it herself, she spoiled her son so much that he practically stopped recognizing parental authority, while dad was constantly busy with work.
At some point, the situation worsened greatly when my son began to disappear at night and stopped devoting time to his studies. The father finally decided to try to influence the young man and after a couple of unsuccessful conversations, hearing rudeness in response, he took the belt. For several months now, the situation has not changed at all, and cases of assault in their family keep repeating. This worries her friend greatly, but she does not dare to confront her husband in this, because she knows his hot temper and she herself is afraid of falling under hot hand. Moreover, the whole picture is aggravated by the fact that on the part of the son, such behavior of the father only causes resistance, and no changes in his behavior occur: this is a vicious circle!
I advised her to take her son and leave her husband at least for a while, because it was impossible to continue silently observing this story. The help of a psychologist is simply needed here: as the mother of a teenage son, I know that such methods of education will not lead to anything good. And, of course, legal advice will come in handy in case the situation gets completely out of control.
Word to the psychologist
Alina Deliss, psychologist
Your advice to your friend may actually make sense. But before taking any action, it is necessary to understand the situation in detail.
We should still start with a frank dialogue. A woman must overcome her fear and try to explain to her husband that his methods of education are not only not beneficial, but are also fraught with final discord in the family. And depending on the circumstances, you can offer different ways to solve the problem.
Option 1. The fact that your friend fears not only for the child, but also for herself, because of which she tries not to enter into conflict with her husband on the topic of parenting methods, is a very alarming signal. Perhaps, over the years of their family life, she herself became a victim of aggression from her husband. If this is the case, then most likely she is dealing with a real domestic tyrant, and it will be almost impossible to change the situation at this stage. The best solution in this case would be to leave your spouse. The point is that the situation will only get worse over time. Your friend’s son will inevitably begin to accumulate psychological traumas, which may negatively affect his future family life. In addition, your friend herself will develop neurosis against the background of this situation.
Option 2. If your friend is so frightened by her husband’s behavior because, on the contrary, it is unusual for him, then the situation can be resolved in a less radical way. But here you can’t do without a family psychologist. Despite her husband’s busy schedule and her son’s protest mood, she must convince all family members of the need for family therapy and invite a psychologist to the house. A good specialist will help you understand the reasons for your husband’s outbursts of aggression. Perhaps this is his way of unknowingly taking out work-related stress.
Option 3. Or perhaps the root of the problem lies in the upbringing of your friend’s husband himself. Unfortunately, those who use force against their children most often are those parents who themselves faced physical punishment in childhood. We simply unconsciously copy the behavior model of our mothers and fathers in relation to our own children. A family psychotherapist can also help stop this process, and the main part of the work will be carried out with the father of the family.
Word to the lawyer
Anton Palyulin, head of the legal bureau "Palyulin and Partners"
What the law says
Art. 116 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation states that beatings or other violent actions that cause pain, but do not cause a short-term health disorder or a slight permanent loss of general ability to work (more than 6 days), against close people (including relatives) are also a crime. As a punishment, the legislator determined a term of up to two years in prison and other criminal legal consequences.
What should a mother do if her child was beaten by her husband?
According to paragraph 2 of Art. 20 of the Criminal Procedure Code of the Russian Federation, criminal cases of beatings are initiated only at the request of the victim, and in this case, his legal representative (mother).
First of all, the mother should go with the child to the first aid station and document the damage caused (bruises, marks from spanking, torn hair, ears reddened from strong physical impact, fingers and other signs of beatings).
After receiving a medical examination, you should go to the district police department and write a statement about the commission of a crime. The duty station and the district police officer must have special forms for such cases.
In the statement, indicate the people who are ready to confirm the beatings and their contacts. Attach a copy of your medical certificate.
Reconciliation and termination of the case
The investigator, with the consent of the prosecutor, the investigator, with the consent of the head of the investigative body, or the court (depending on at what stage of the criminal prosecution this happens) has the right to terminate the case in connection with the reconciliation of the parties. But this is only possible if:
This is the first criminal prosecution in the father’s biography;
The reconciliation is recorded in procedural documents;
The harm caused is compensated (if medical treatment was required, it must be completed).
Important Note: since in such a situation the victim is a child, i.e. an obviously helpless person, the internal affairs bodies and the court may refuse to terminate the case to reconcile the parties. Then the father will have to be punished in court.
Myths and facts about domestic violence
Myth. Women subjected to domestic violence are masochists. They enjoy being hit.
Fact. It is generally believed that women who "want and deserve to be beaten" are beaten, so they do not leave and tolerate such treatment. This myth implies that she gets sexual pleasure from being beaten by the man she loves.
Myth. Women provoke violence and deserve it.
Fact. This widespread belief indicates that the problem of beating women is a social one: it is rooted in gender stereotypes that are instilled in people from childhood. No creature deserves to be beaten, but in reality, the abuser will always find an excuse for his actions, regardless of how the victim behaved.
Myth. Women who are abused can always leave their abuser.
Fact. In a society where women are culturally instructed to believe that love and marriage are their true fulfillment, she is often considered to have the right and freedom to leave the home when the abuse becomes very serious. In fact, in reality, there are many obstacles for women on this path.
Myth. Once abused, a woman is always a victim.
Fact. With specialist counseling, a woman can return to a “normal” life if the cycle of violence is broken and the woman is not in a situation of violence and danger.
Myth. Once an offender, always an offender, once a person hits, he cannot stop.
Fact. If the theory of psychologically learned violent behavior is correct, then offenders can be taught the skills of non-violent behavior.
Myth. Male abusers act aggressively and rudely in their relationships with everyone.
Fact. Most of them are able to control their behavior and understand where and towards whom they can show aggressive emotions.
Myth. Batterers are not loving husbands or partners.
Fact. They use love to keep a woman in an abusive relationship.
Myth. Abusers who use violence are mentally ill.
Fact. These men often lead "normal" lives, except for those times when they indulge in violent outbursts. The social status of such men can be quite high; they can occupy leadership positions, lead an active social life, and be successful in business.
Myth. Men who abuse are failures and cannot cope with stress and problems in life.
Fact. All people experience stress sooner or later, but not everyone abuses other people.
Myth. Men who beat their wives also beat their children.
Fact. This happens in about one third of families.
Myth. The man will stop the violence “when we get married.”
Fact. Women thought that these men would stop controlling if they got married. It is assumed that having achieved his goal, he should calm down and believe that she loves him, since marriage is the highest proof of love. However, the problem is that there is never enough power, and the cycle of violence continues.
Myth. Children need their father, even if he is aggressive, or “I stay only because of the children.”
Fact. Without a doubt, children ideally need a mother and a father. However, children living in conditions of domestic violence may themselves ask their mother to run away from their father in order to escape the violence.
Myth. Domestic quarrels, assaults and fights are typical for uneducated and poor people. In families with higher levels of income and education, such incidents occur less frequently.
Fact. Domestic violence is not limited to certain segments and groups of the population. This happens in all social groups, regardless of education level and income.
Myth. Quarrels between husbands and wives have always existed. "Dear ones scold, they just amuse themselves." This is natural and cannot have serious consequences.
Fact. Quarrels and conflicts can indeed be present in many relationships. The hallmark of violence is the severity, cyclicality and intensity of the events and consequences.
Myth. A slap never seriously hurts.
Fact. Violence is characterized by cyclicality and gradual intensification of acts of violence. It can start with simple criticism, moving on to humiliation, isolation, then a slap, a blow, regular beatings, and sometimes death.
Myth. The cause of violence is alcohol.
Fact. Drinking alcohol reduces the ability to control behavior, but many abusers are men who do not use tobacco or alcohol. Some, having undergone treatment for alcoholism, continued to be aggressive and cruel towards loved ones. Alcoholism or drinking alcoholic beverages cannot justify violence.
Myth. Domestic violence is a new phenomenon, born of modern economic and social changes, the accelerating pace of life and new stresses.
Fact. The custom of beating your wife is as old as marriage itself. In the earliest times, evidence of which has reached us, the law openly encouraged and sanctioned the custom of wife beating.
Myth. Nowadays, domestic violence is rare. It is a thing of the past, when morals were more cruel and women were considered the property of men.
Fact. Domestic violence is a very common phenomenon in our time. In many countries, legal experts and women's rights lawyers believe that domestic violence ranks high among the types of crimes that are rarely reported to law enforcement.
The existence of these and other myths about the problem of domestic violence places an additional burden on the shoulders of women who are subject to violence. All these are barriers to a normal life. 02/14/2011 15:58:42, ZaMashka
they wrote down there, but I would have hit him myself. I’ll say right away that people have never encountered such a problem. I have a girl and dad doesn’t touch her with his finger. But my husband and I had serious scandals. And if I also beat him, then in practice we would also have fights. It is necessary to deal with husbands when they have cooled down. So, when we had already reached the extreme point, we figured it out and it turned out that it was not only his fault, that I was also provoking him (and I thought differently!!), now I’m trying not to touch him again. And I also had to take a sedative; looking at my positive example, he also agreed to take a sedative. I really told him that for the sake of a friendly atmosphere in the family I drank a sedative, but what are you doing?
By the way, I discussed the topic with my husband: if you had a son, what would you do? He said he would have beaten me too, but why, so that he would remember. He: “My father hasn’t laid a finger on me in my entire life, but I think it was in vain, I should have hit him more (his dad had a gentle character, I think he didn’t respect him very much), now I’m afraid of pain and if I fight , then to death" (I would not say that he is afraid to fight).
What I think about this is that our husbands did not have an authoritative father, they don’t know how to raise, they think that they were raised poorly, and so that the boy does not grow up to be a nurse, he must be beaten, i.e. difficulties strengthen. I think that it is necessary to logically explain, first, as with Elena D, I agree, you can teach a boy to obey the strong and offend the weak, second, the boy cannot answer his father and will take it out on whoever he can, on the weaker. The father, by spanking, wants to ensure that the child does not fight, but gets the opposite result. I suggest that if a dad wants to raise a child to be courageous, send him to a section such as wrestling, karate, boxing, wushu, etc., where the boy will learn to fight, take a punch, become stronger in body and spirit, and most importantly, will train with his peers guys, and not in such a way that he is beaten by an obviously strong adult, who, on the contrary, should protect him.
I propose to emphasize that his task is not to offend the child, but to protect and prepare for the difficulties of life.
Today I heard a phrase on TV: when men don’t know where to go, they never ask for directions...:) They probably have some kind of complex: a man should be a leader, he should lead, he should know everything (even if he doesn’t know) ...
By the way, when our dad loses his temper. I always explain to the child, dad is tired, nervous, let’s not touch him. By the way, this also has a beneficial effect on dad, he himself doesn’t know why he’s mad, and I explain to him along the way. And when it cools down, you can talk to dad.
I would also like to add that a person is not given anything beyond his capabilities, don’t be upset, you can solve your problem, tune in to a positive result, for example, like me, to a friendly atmosphere in the family. overcoming difficulties you will become wiser, more tolerant, you need this experience to find in yourself some new qualities you need.
Does your husband regularly give his offspring slaps and punches? Together with psychologist Alina Kushnereva, we will try to understand how we can influence him.
To our surprise, the first thing the psychologist said was that most often children are beaten... by mothers. “The mother is in closer contact with the baby, and very often she is so exhausted, physically and emotionally, that she does not find more adequate methods of influence than a spank on the butt a couple of times. You know it's bad, but you still hit? Try, at the moment when you are ready to raise your hand, just leave the room, take a few deep breaths and calm down.”
Alina Kushereva believes that parents often simply forget that they need to build relationships with their children, just like with any other person. By physical violence (and this is nothing more than physical violence!) you devalue the child as a person.
Why does the husband beat the child?
Fathers, as a rule, are less involved in the upbringing process: they are busy with their careers and making money. If dad rarely sees each other, and even less often communicates with the baby, he is not such an authority for the child as the mother. And, having no behavioral skills, he feels powerless. It is at this moment that fists come into play...
What to do?
- Advise your husband to spend more time with the child. If he says that his child doesn’t obey except after punches, ask: “Have you tried otherwise? What if we try again?
- As an argument against beating, you can put forward the following: “If a child gets used to being beaten from childhood, he will consider this the norm. Do you want your son to meekly allow himself to be beaten at school, in the yard?” No father wishes this for his offspring!
- At the moment when the husband hit (for the cause) the child, do not take the child’s side! This will completely destroy his father’s authority in his eyes. Do not reassure the baby, do not express your complaints to your husband in front of him. If your child starts complaining to you, say as calmly as possible: “How many times has your dad asked you to do as he says?” The child must see that the parents' demands are consistent. You can also tell your child: “I am very sad and hurt that you do not obey dad.” And conduct conversations with your husband without the presence of your offspring.
